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Improve your chances of 'clicking' on a first date with this one simple tip

“He/she was lovely/sweet/fun/gorgeous/good company, but we just didn’t click...”

If you’ve been on more than your fair share of first dates that never became second dates, you’ve no doubt found yourself offering up just this kind of explanation for your continued single status.

Truth be told, everyone is looking for that certain something to happen, a sign, a feeling, a “just knowing” that this is destined to be more than just a polite, getting-to-know-you coffee. When that spark simply isn’t there, no amount of ticks on your list of partner must-haves is enough. There just has to be a click.

But what if there were something that you, individually, could do to enhance your chances of ‘the click’? That might sound counterintuitive. The click is either there or it isn’t, (pre)determined by the sum of your characters or by destiny (delete as appropriate depending on your universal view). Isn’t it?

Maybe not, theorise Ori and Rom Brafman, psychologists behind the book Click: The Forces Behind How We Fully Engage with People, Work, & Everything We Do. Perhaps the most interesting insight into their explanation for why certain connections ‘click’ while others flounder, is that it often stems from the willingness of one or both parties to demonstrate one particular trait: vulnerability.


Vulnerability researcher,

Brené Brown.

It’s a simple equation. “Allowing yourself to be vulnerable helps the other person to trust you, precisely because you are putting yourself at emotional, psychological, or physical risk,” they write.

“Other people tend to react by being more open and vulnerable themselves. The fact that both of you are letting down your guard helps to lay the groundwork for a faster, closer personal connection. When you both make yourselves vulnerable from the outset and are candid in revealing who you are and how you think and feel, you create an environment that fosters the kind of openness that can lead to an instant connection — a click.”

But how does this work when we’re in first date mode? The family background, hobbies and favourite music lists we routinely share in the early stages of a relationship are hardly primed for outpourings of vulnerability. And let’s be honest, nobody expects, or wants, too much emotion during those first encounters.

But there are ways, insist the Brafmans, that you can inject more truth and feeling into the information you share, without laying bare your soul for the stranger across the table.

Instead of answering those fact-finding questions in black and white terms, think about ways you can impart insight into what makes you tick through real life stories, which include insight into how you felt about the particular experiences you’re talking about.

If this technique alone doesn’t encourage your date to share in equal measures, asking open-ended questions can help to eek out more about the person you’re trying to get to know.

And remember, if you want to dispense with small talk altogether and cut straight to soul baring, you can always just go in with the 36 questions that have been proven to make even complete strangers fall in love!


Author: Rebecca

Rebecca lives in London with her husband, daughter and dachshund. She hopes her dating blogs for Flame Introductions will inspire you to seek out the best London and UK locations for brilliant dates, and discover some tips along the way to help you find your perfect partner.