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How to deal with being ghosted—an expert guide [VIDEO]

Being ghosted is an all-too-common dating experience when somebody disappears off the face of the earth when initially you thought you had some chemistry or attraction. And let’s be honest, it seriously hurts.

If you’ve found yourself in such a situation, you might have reacted by seeking closure. Perhaps you were tempted to call and text the person who ghosted you, hoping to find out what went wrong and why they’re giving you the silent treatment. Perhaps you’ve found yourself stalking their social media accounts, tormenting yourself with evidence of the ghoster seemingly enjoying life or even a new relationship.

“Closure is overrated,” says dating expert Matthew Hussey. “We have to be prepared to move on quickly and find the next person because otherwise we dwell and we try to get answers we can’t possible get,” he says.

If that sounds easier said than done, follow Hussey’s three step approach. 


1. ALLOW YOURSELF TO BRIEFLY GET A LITTLE SELF-CRITICAL

The aim here isn’t to wallow or beat yourself up, but just to do a little stock taking. In the same way you might after completing a work project or personal goal, simply ask yourself ‘Is there anything I could have done better?’ 


If the answer’s yes, take that learning and ensure you apply it to your future dating experiences. If the answer’s no—time to chalk it up to experience, acknowledge that you’ll never know the real reason for the ghosting, and simply let it go.


2. DROP YOUR HANDKERCHIEF

We don’t mean the one you’ve been sobbing into, because hopefully all that’s now in the past. Hussey is, in fact, referring to an old-fashioned technique used by ladies of previous centuries to invite courtship into their lives. If they spotted someone they fancied, they simply dropped a handkerchief, giving the potential suitor the chance to make a move. 


So if you’re a guy worrying about being too forward, or a girl hanging onto misinformed views about who should make the first move, look for ways you can do so in subtle forms. 

If giving a simple compliment such as “You’ve a great smile,” feels too forward, asking someone for a favour is a great technique. “In this modern day dating era you just need to figure out how to drop the handkerchief,” says Hussey. “Ask for a favour...You’re not being over the top, demonstrating interest, you’re just bringing him into your world and allowing him to do something nice for you. Now you can continue the conversation and he’ll feel like he’s doing the work.”


3. DEAL WITH HANGOVERS LIKE AN ATHLETE

When you’re hungover, chances are you do all the things that are bad for you (lie around watching trashy TV and eating rubbish) rather than all the things that will set you right sooner, such as drinking loads of water and taking gentle exercise. 

It’s the same when you’re heartbroken or suffering any form of rejection. More than likely you go out drinking, eat badly, beat yourself up or even sleep with people you’re not interested in in a failed attempt at boosting your self-esteem.

A far healthier approach to relationships is to take the approach that an athlete might to recovering from an injury. A sportsperson with a knee injury doesn’t just rest up his or her knee by lying on the sofa, he ensures his knee gets plenty of time to recuperate while he or she works on every other muscle in the body.

It’s the same with heartbreak. While your heart takes time to heal, do all the things you can think of that will have a positive impact on you. Take a class. Go to the gym. Work on deepening relationships with friends and family. So that when your heart is finally mended, you’re ready to date again with health and vitality of body, mind and spirit.


WATCH MORE OF HUSSEY’S DATING ADVICE IN THE VIDEO BELOW.


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Author: Rebecca

Rebecca lives in London with her husband, daughter and dachshund. She hopes her dating blogs for Flame Introductions will inspire you to seek out the best London and UK locations for brilliant dates, and discover some tips along the way to help you find your perfect partner.