How do you sustain desire in a committed relationship? By reconciling two fundamental human needs, says marriage therapist Esther Perel. Those needs? Security and mystery.
“On the one hand, our need for security, for predictability, for safety, for dependability, for reliability, for permanence. But we also have an equally strong need —men and women—for adventure, for novelty, for mystery, for risk, for danger, for the unknown, for the unexpected, surprise—you get the gist,” she says.
The answer to how you fulfil both needs simultaneously is the Holy Grail for couples in spark-free relationships. But experiments carried out by Perel suggest that maintaining desire isn’t that complex an issue at all. What she learned is food for thought.